the chinese new year's holidays are over and it's back to school again..

we have only had 2 weeks of school and it is already the end of jan.. time really flies.

i have to say those first 2 weeks of school has really been a trying one for me.. which is why i am really glad for this cny break to think things through..

i realised i am actually scared of being alone. all along i used to puzzle at why ppl around me like to go everywhere in groups and all. for me, i enjoyed my "alone" times... even to the extent that sometimes i find being around with people tiring.

but in those two weeks, i realised actually how dependent i was.. and i kinda got frightened by that..frightened by the anger and emptiness i felt.. frightened for even getting myself into that situation...

i used to wonder whether it is better having a few best close friends.. or having many good friends.. Now i know it is important to have both...you need those close friends to pour your secrets, share your happpiness and worries with... they are very important and i do treasure those few friends of mine alot alot..

but now i have learnt that even though they are the bestest friends in the world.. they can't be one's entire social circle..cos even they can't be there all the time for you... cos all of them have their own lives and their other friends.

i think i used to subconsciously push away friendships cos i felt i wasn't able to handle too many friends... perhaps when i treat someone as a friend i really want to be able commit myself to the friendship... and somewhere along there i also want that friend to do the same for me too..failing short of i will kinda feel neglected and not viewed as important as i would have liked to...

i guess it's time to change my perception.. before i end up tired and unnecessarily hurt..

i am going to start making friends.. friends that i can learn to have fun with.. friends that don't expect anything of me and i don't expect anything from them... friends that i can chat with when walking down the corridor.. just friends that i can hang out with when the best friends need a timeout (no i don't mean for them to be substitutes)..

and i need too loosen up.. just enjoy life.. don't be too bothered by what others think.. don't be too concerned about what's appropriate and what's not..

and just live my life.